A Dream

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that has stuck with me very clearly. The dream was in black & white. I was running from a crumbling building. That makes sense I had been talking about Sept. 11. As I got out of the building there were hundreds of cars trying to get away. I was trying to get to Grandmother & Lloyd's car. They were in the little blue Maverick Lloyd had when they met. I can see the car sitting in the far corner of the lot. I never actually saw them I just knew they were waiting for me. As I turned to go toward them, my Aunt Nancy suddenly appeared in front of me. She was very bright and her clothes were colorful. She seemed to have a glow around her. She came forward and we talked as we walked. I didn't hear what we spoke about but it felt so good to see her. She's been gone a long time. I woke up feeling comforted and calm, not my usual wake up mood. LOL I was telling Joe about this dream and trying to explain the glow, he said Nancy always had a glow. ;)

The picture above is Nancy's is her graduation picture. It's torn so you can't see her fluffy sweater, she's not really naked. LOL

Where did the hope go?

A while back I read a blog by a friend about having hope and keeping dreams alive. It was written beautifully. This put my mind in a thinking mood. What I've discovered in my pondering is that I don't actually have hope or dreams anymore. I no longer live life, I just survive each day as it comes. There are moments of happiness, like getting to hold the newest member of the family. But those moments are few and far between. There are moments of laughter some real and some just put on so people won't know what I really feel. I'm not saying that I'm horribly depressed I just don't feel much of anything anymore. Part of that is probably due to the meds that keep me from going completely crazy. When I do it's generally a negative reaction to one of the many crisis around here. I just exist and go through the motions. I read, play video games, and listen to music to distract myself and pass the time. It helps some, I play with my animals. They are the only thing keeping me going. If not for them I'd have faded away long ago. A friend I've had since I was 10, told me once that I used to be outgoing, and happy. I wish I could remember that. I have happy memories and some that are not so happy. I don't mean to sound like I'm whining or looking for sympathy, I'm really not. I just have to get this out of my head. This is also why I don't respond to email as much anymore. You know what Thumper says, ' If you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all'. :) So that's where my mind is right now, kinda scary ain't it?

My Adventures

It all started last Wed., when I went to the lab to have some blood work done. On the way out the door, I felt a popping and grinding across the arch of my foot. This made the side of my foot hurt every time I took a step. But I just carried on as usual, I gave my blood and came home to take Joe to work. My foot was sore but not too bad.

Then on Thurs. I got a call my doc wanted to see me about my blood work, believe me this caused a lot of stress. So I set up two appts. one for tests I was supposed to have done over a month ago. They were to check my blood circulation.

Friday, as I went out I put my foot down and felt a popping, grinding going up my heel. Just what I needed. I dropped Joe at work and went to the pet store to get something for Miss Scarlett, on the way back to my car my foot popped again. Now it really hurt. I went home and propped it up and took something for the pain.

Sat. I was limping a bit but doing okay mostly. I figured I was going to see the doc in a few days I could stand it till then. Joe got some interesting mail, a tax refund he wasn't expecting. He found out from some friends that the gov. was sending out checks to people who qualified. He doesn't know how he qualified but we were all thrilled.


Skip to Monday, which is pretty much our weekend around here. Joe is off on Mon. and Tues. so that's when we get to do all errands. He cashed his check and used some for bills, he gave a little and gave me some. Then he gave the money I needed for my co-pay at my doc. I thought that was very nice. I drove him around so he could spend some of his money. We went to Barnes & Noble, I wanted to go there. Last time I was there they had some books I wanted. I got myself 2 Torchwood Novels, I wanted to get a couple of the Supernatural books but they didn't have any in stock. I was making my way through the bargin books when my ankle decided to give out. Of course, I fell right in the middle of the aisle. On the way down, I smashed my right index finger against a shelf. Other than my ankle that was the only injury. Except for the usual aches and pains from catching myself. As I was sitting up Joe came around the corner, he said he was looking for me because he didn't hear my brace clicking anymore. That's how he keeps track of me in stores. ;) So I moved some books off a bottom shelf and used it to get up. I could feel my foot swelling but, I finished looking at the books. Only two days to see the doc so I just dealt with it on my own. I got one last book I don't have it right here for the title but it's a biography of Helen Mirren. I've started reading it and it's very interesting and has lots of pictures. I came home to find some books I'd ordered waiting for me. I got 3 of Linda Lael Miller's series about the McKettrick's of Texas. Heartless by Diana Palmer, Dangerous Highlander by Donna Grant, Lessons in French by Laura Kinsale, and The Elusive Bride, by Stephanie Laurens. So I have much reading to do now. LOL I was exhausted by the time we got home. Joe had a package waiting too. His girlfriend had gotten a new lap top so she sent him her old one. It's one of the small ones she says he needs to get a thing to cool it, whatever that is. ;) But it works great. I told him it would be better for me, because his hands are so big. He told me to get my own girlfriend to send me stuff. LOL

Tues. the test went well. They did an echo cardiogram on my heart, it was interesting to see my heart pumping on the screen and hear the blood whooshing through it. Then she did the same thing on my feet and legs. After that was the usual grocery shopping. And a few more errands for Joe.

Today I got up and went to see doc to find out what the deal was with my blood work. Now for a week I've been wondering what else could be wrong with me. He told me he was thrilled with my labs, they were excellent, he's very proud of me. He couldn't have told me that on the phone? LOL So I showed him my finger he said, "That's a good one." Then I showed him my foot, he agreed with me that it's swollen. When I told him what has been going on with it, he said that I've torn some tendons. I asked what I could do about it. He told me to put ice on it and grin and bear it, it will take about 6 weeks to heal. So I should be good sometime in May. ;) I'll just have to be careful when I'm out. As I was leaving the nurse told me that both of test results from yesterday were very good. I have no circulation problems.

That's all I hope for this week. LOL