A Dream

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that has stuck with me very clearly. The dream was in black & white. I was running from a crumbling building. That makes sense I had been talking about Sept. 11. As I got out of the building there were hundreds of cars trying to get away. I was trying to get to Grandmother & Lloyd's car. They were in the little blue Maverick Lloyd had when they met. I can see the car sitting in the far corner of the lot. I never actually saw them I just knew they were waiting for me. As I turned to go toward them, my Aunt Nancy suddenly appeared in front of me. She was very bright and her clothes were colorful. She seemed to have a glow around her. She came forward and we talked as we walked. I didn't hear what we spoke about but it felt so good to see her. She's been gone a long time. I woke up feeling comforted and calm, not my usual wake up mood. LOL I was telling Joe about this dream and trying to explain the glow, he said Nancy always had a glow. ;)

The picture above is Nancy's is her graduation picture. It's torn so you can't see her fluffy sweater, she's not really naked. LOL

Where did the hope go?

A while back I read a blog by a friend about having hope and keeping dreams alive. It was written beautifully. This put my mind in a thinking mood. What I've discovered in my pondering is that I don't actually have hope or dreams anymore. I no longer live life, I just survive each day as it comes. There are moments of happiness, like getting to hold the newest member of the family. But those moments are few and far between. There are moments of laughter some real and some just put on so people won't know what I really feel. I'm not saying that I'm horribly depressed I just don't feel much of anything anymore. Part of that is probably due to the meds that keep me from going completely crazy. When I do it's generally a negative reaction to one of the many crisis around here. I just exist and go through the motions. I read, play video games, and listen to music to distract myself and pass the time. It helps some, I play with my animals. They are the only thing keeping me going. If not for them I'd have faded away long ago. A friend I've had since I was 10, told me once that I used to be outgoing, and happy. I wish I could remember that. I have happy memories and some that are not so happy. I don't mean to sound like I'm whining or looking for sympathy, I'm really not. I just have to get this out of my head. This is also why I don't respond to email as much anymore. You know what Thumper says, ' If you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all'. :) So that's where my mind is right now, kinda scary ain't it?