A Dream

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that has stuck with me very clearly. The dream was in black & white. I was running from a crumbling building. That makes sense I had been talking about Sept. 11. As I got out of the building there were hundreds of cars trying to get away. I was trying to get to Grandmother & Lloyd's car. They were in the little blue Maverick Lloyd had when they met. I can see the car sitting in the far corner of the lot. I never actually saw them I just knew they were waiting for me. As I turned to go toward them, my Aunt Nancy suddenly appeared in front of me. She was very bright and her clothes were colorful. She seemed to have a glow around her. She came forward and we talked as we walked. I didn't hear what we spoke about but it felt so good to see her. She's been gone a long time. I woke up feeling comforted and calm, not my usual wake up mood. LOL I was telling Joe about this dream and trying to explain the glow, he said Nancy always had a glow. ;)

The picture above is Nancy's is her graduation picture. It's torn so you can't see her fluffy sweater, she's not really naked. LOL

Where did the hope go?

A while back I read a blog by a friend about having hope and keeping dreams alive. It was written beautifully. This put my mind in a thinking mood. What I've discovered in my pondering is that I don't actually have hope or dreams anymore. I no longer live life, I just survive each day as it comes. There are moments of happiness, like getting to hold the newest member of the family. But those moments are few and far between. There are moments of laughter some real and some just put on so people won't know what I really feel. I'm not saying that I'm horribly depressed I just don't feel much of anything anymore. Part of that is probably due to the meds that keep me from going completely crazy. When I do it's generally a negative reaction to one of the many crisis around here. I just exist and go through the motions. I read, play video games, and listen to music to distract myself and pass the time. It helps some, I play with my animals. They are the only thing keeping me going. If not for them I'd have faded away long ago. A friend I've had since I was 10, told me once that I used to be outgoing, and happy. I wish I could remember that. I have happy memories and some that are not so happy. I don't mean to sound like I'm whining or looking for sympathy, I'm really not. I just have to get this out of my head. This is also why I don't respond to email as much anymore. You know what Thumper says, ' If you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all'. :) So that's where my mind is right now, kinda scary ain't it?

My Adventures

It all started last Wed., when I went to the lab to have some blood work done. On the way out the door, I felt a popping and grinding across the arch of my foot. This made the side of my foot hurt every time I took a step. But I just carried on as usual, I gave my blood and came home to take Joe to work. My foot was sore but not too bad.

Then on Thurs. I got a call my doc wanted to see me about my blood work, believe me this caused a lot of stress. So I set up two appts. one for tests I was supposed to have done over a month ago. They were to check my blood circulation.

Friday, as I went out I put my foot down and felt a popping, grinding going up my heel. Just what I needed. I dropped Joe at work and went to the pet store to get something for Miss Scarlett, on the way back to my car my foot popped again. Now it really hurt. I went home and propped it up and took something for the pain.

Sat. I was limping a bit but doing okay mostly. I figured I was going to see the doc in a few days I could stand it till then. Joe got some interesting mail, a tax refund he wasn't expecting. He found out from some friends that the gov. was sending out checks to people who qualified. He doesn't know how he qualified but we were all thrilled.


Skip to Monday, which is pretty much our weekend around here. Joe is off on Mon. and Tues. so that's when we get to do all errands. He cashed his check and used some for bills, he gave a little and gave me some. Then he gave the money I needed for my co-pay at my doc. I thought that was very nice. I drove him around so he could spend some of his money. We went to Barnes & Noble, I wanted to go there. Last time I was there they had some books I wanted. I got myself 2 Torchwood Novels, I wanted to get a couple of the Supernatural books but they didn't have any in stock. I was making my way through the bargin books when my ankle decided to give out. Of course, I fell right in the middle of the aisle. On the way down, I smashed my right index finger against a shelf. Other than my ankle that was the only injury. Except for the usual aches and pains from catching myself. As I was sitting up Joe came around the corner, he said he was looking for me because he didn't hear my brace clicking anymore. That's how he keeps track of me in stores. ;) So I moved some books off a bottom shelf and used it to get up. I could feel my foot swelling but, I finished looking at the books. Only two days to see the doc so I just dealt with it on my own. I got one last book I don't have it right here for the title but it's a biography of Helen Mirren. I've started reading it and it's very interesting and has lots of pictures. I came home to find some books I'd ordered waiting for me. I got 3 of Linda Lael Miller's series about the McKettrick's of Texas. Heartless by Diana Palmer, Dangerous Highlander by Donna Grant, Lessons in French by Laura Kinsale, and The Elusive Bride, by Stephanie Laurens. So I have much reading to do now. LOL I was exhausted by the time we got home. Joe had a package waiting too. His girlfriend had gotten a new lap top so she sent him her old one. It's one of the small ones she says he needs to get a thing to cool it, whatever that is. ;) But it works great. I told him it would be better for me, because his hands are so big. He told me to get my own girlfriend to send me stuff. LOL

Tues. the test went well. They did an echo cardiogram on my heart, it was interesting to see my heart pumping on the screen and hear the blood whooshing through it. Then she did the same thing on my feet and legs. After that was the usual grocery shopping. And a few more errands for Joe.

Today I got up and went to see doc to find out what the deal was with my blood work. Now for a week I've been wondering what else could be wrong with me. He told me he was thrilled with my labs, they were excellent, he's very proud of me. He couldn't have told me that on the phone? LOL So I showed him my finger he said, "That's a good one." Then I showed him my foot, he agreed with me that it's swollen. When I told him what has been going on with it, he said that I've torn some tendons. I asked what I could do about it. He told me to put ice on it and grin and bear it, it will take about 6 weeks to heal. So I should be good sometime in May. ;) I'll just have to be careful when I'm out. As I was leaving the nurse told me that both of test results from yesterday were very good. I have no circulation problems.

That's all I hope for this week. LOL

Christmas Memories

Joe put our tree up last night. Just for me, so he said. I do like the sparkly lights. LOL When he was working on it he found a couple of ornaments that brought back a very clear warm memory.

They were picture ornaments of Louie & Sunshine with Santa. Taken 9 years ago. I had a head halter on Sunshine one of my many attempts to control her. I tried a couple of kinds and she slipped them all. Anyway, standing in a very long line she was trying to go explore only she couldn't. So she moved to the end of her leash and flopped over on her side with a great sigh. Everyone in line thought this was very amusing. ;0 When we finally reached Santa, Sunshine loved him he had a pocket full of treats. And she kept putting her nose in it. LOL He had a heck of a time holding onto her. Louie was so scared, especially after they put the reindeer antlers on him. ;) The poor thing he just wanted to get away.

Maybe next year, I'll take Lil Bit to her picture with Santa. That should be fun and interesting. LOl

Privacy

I have mentioned to some of you that the house next door is very close to ours. In fact their kitchen is 10 ft. from my bedroom window, their deck is closer than that.

Even if I keep my window closed, I can hear everything that goes on out there. Last night it was like, listening to a porn movie with no picture. I don't need to hear that, in fact I don't think anyone needs to hear that. My window was open, I know they could hear my tv I turned it up when they got loud. They just got louder.

I got woke up early this morning by laughing and loud talking. By loud talking I mean she was sitting on her deck yelling at her kids out front. This drives me nuts on Fri. & Sat. nights I have to shut my window because they are out there all night and it disturbs Miss Scarlett. She can hear them but she doesn't know where they are so it freaks her.

I understand she has every right to use her deck. But don't I have the right to not have to hear everything that goes on? They don't even try and be quiet out there. You can hear them pretty much all around the circle we live on. It's just that I get the clearest sound.

I don't know her, how do I say 'Hey, I can hear everything you do on your deck.'

Okay rant over for the day. ;)

Duke

I woke up this morning thinking about a dog I used to have. How he came to me and how he left. Duke was the first dog I ever got for myself. I was not in a good place and needed someone else to worry about I found an ad in the paper for lab puppies. I wanted black but all they had were yellow, so I got a yellow one. ;-) There were only 2 left when I got there, one flopped down at my feet and never moved and one was into everything he could find. Can you guess which one I took home? Yep, the trouble maker. ;-) I had a closeness with Duke, I've never had with any of the many other dogs in my life. He truly was my dog and merely tolerated the rest of the world. I took him to Puppy Kindergarten and Canine Good Citizen classes, he did very well as long as I stayed with him. For seven years, he was my buddy. Then I noticed a lump on his back leg. The vet took x-rays and told me it was bone cancer. It had never occurred to me that a dog could get cancer. Not until that moment. I was advised to put him down then and there, that the cancer had spread to his organs and he would only last a month or so. I didn't take that advice, because Duke was still acting like himself. Other than limping and having some problems with the back stairs. I took him home along meds to keep him comfortable. He started sleeping in my room after that. On the bed at first then at the foot when he couldn't jump up anymore. I would hear the jingle of his tags in the night and know that he was there. The vet was wrong, Duke stayed with me for 6 months after his diagnosis. He last for 2 weeks after my birthday. I've always believed he held on past my birthday on purpose. As if he wanted me to have that at least. Duke's ashes sit on a hidden shelf in my room. Because it freaked my brother out when I kept them my basement room that he used too. ;)

Birthday Blahs, Puppy Paws & Stuff

So as some of you know Tuesday was my birthday. Just after midnight I came to my computer and found a card, sitting on my keyboard. There was an ITunes gift card inside and it was signed "Love, People". I don't know who these people are but they are generous. ;) I woke up on what is supposed to be a happy, lovely day not feeling right. One of my 'good' (read with sarcasm) moods had picked that day to show up. It sat on my chest, like a huge weight all day long. Only lifting for a little while, I'll get to that in a minute. So I had some pressies to open, I got Lover Avenged, by J. R. Ward, Torchwood: Children of Earth DVD and some little odds and ends. Plus some cash to order myself something from one of my many catalogs. ;) Normal birthday procedure is at the very least dinner and a movie or vise versa. For my movie, I picked Law-Abiding Citizen, with Gerard Butler. This breaks a 6 year tradition of seeing the new Saw movie on my birthday. This was the only time I felt half-way good all day. My brother bought me a big pretzel and a giant soda. It was so nice to be able to sit in the theater and watch a movie, we don't get to go very often anymore. I loved the movie, it had a good story and the ending was not something I saw coming a mile away. ;) After that it was time for dinner, I always pick the OutBack on my birthday. But this year, I just couldn't deal with a restaurant. And I have been craving Chinese food for a couple of weeks. So we had takeout, much to the disappointment of my brother who wanted 'real' food. Meaning he wanted to eat in a restaurant even if it was the pizza buffet. After that, I had to take baby brother to a couple of stores he wanted to get something. While he was in one of them he got me a DVD 'My Bloody Valentine 3-D'. ;) When I got home, I was exhausted but my dinner tasted wonderful and it was just what I wanted. Instead of cake, I got brownies with chocolate icing. That's what I asked for and a neighbor baked for us, because our oven doesn't work right.........still. I had a nice quiet breakdown about 2 am, and the weight on my chest eased up a little. That's how the mood swings work with me, I can only hold them off for so long. So that was my birthday, exciting huh?LOL

On to the puppy paws. Yesterday morning I was awakened by Mom saying that Bit had duct tape stuck to her foot. Don't ask, I have no idea. LOL So I get up, Bit is on Mom's lap looking scared the big dogs are at Mom's feet looking at Bit and wondering what's wrong. The tape was stuck in between the pads on her foot. I had to use tiny little scissors to cut it out and had to get real close to the skin. She was not a happy girl. I worked slowly so I didn't hurt her, the bottom of her foot was red where she'd been picking at it. So I got it off and Bit took off like a tornado for 'maniac puppy' time. ;) All was well, until an hour or so later when we where playing. She likes to jump onto and off of the ottomans when chasing her toys or bringing them back. She was going to get the toy and misjudged the distance and slipped off of one and hit her foot on something next to the ottoman. She yelled and turned around holding her little foot up. She wouldn't try to walk to me so I picked her up and checked her toe nails, thinking maybe she caught one on something. I felt her teeny little bones and nothing felt different. So I hugged her a minute and then put her down so I could see her walk. She was fine, I think she just jammed a toe or landed wrong. Thankfully, she is running around like normal. You know like a maniac. ;)

Miss Scarlett has a new fave toy this week, it's a paper towel tube. LOL I put in her cage the other with some paper towels stuffed in the end. She didn't touch it for a couple of days. But now she's throwing it around and yelling at it all the time. LOL

Last week, my brother went to St. Louis to visit his girlfriend. He was gone 4 days and Mom and just rested most of the time he was gone. I didn't have to out except for once or twice. The dogs didn't know what to do, it's been so long since anyone took a trip. Dad used to leave for days at a time to go fishing and a few times for work. But that's been years ago, and Bit didn't know him anyway. It's strange how all the dogs knew something was up as soon as the duffel bag came out. ;) The night I was picking him up I had to put Bit in her crate. We still can't leave her loose, but that's another story. I couldn't catch her she knew I was going out and she knows she gets locked up. I told her,'I have to go get Joe,' and she went right her room (crate). ;)

One last thing, last evening one of my many cousins had a baby. Her first, a girl weighing in at just over 8lbs and 20 inches long. The newest member of the family is named Lola Giselle. So welcome to the world Lola!